Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t give you, my people, more workout advice. Then, of course, there’s times when I just dont’ give a fuck. However, now is one of the times when I do feel badly, but to be more brutally honest, I’m only sharing this because I had to write myself a new routine based on my upcoming goals after my powerlifting competition next weekend (9/19/09).

Speaking of, any of you are more than welcome to come watch. I’m sure this is falling on deaf ears, erm, blind eyes rather, but here’s the meet info:

When: Sept. 19, 2009 @ 9:30am
Where: The Press gym
Address: 2900 Rice St., Little Canada, MN

As a little incentive (and I do mean VERY LITTLE), I’m offering to pay admission and gas money for 2 “local” people to come take pictures and film the whole thing. And by local, I mean, within MN or western WI peferrably. Then again, beggers can’t be chosers.

And one last little heads up before I actually get to the real point of the article, it has come to my attention that people aren’t neccessarily taking me seriously. Perhaps the “comedic” (in quotes cuz I’m really not sure how “funny” I am) part of my posts and videos are overshadowing the content. I’ve always said I don’t care if you’re here for entertainment purposes only, but if you’re having problems deciphering my creative genious (l.o.l.) and pulling out the actual advice, feel free to email me or get in touch any of the other 82 ways I’m available. So, in order to show you that I can be professional, I’ve also attached an excel spreadsheet that I use to organize my thoughts as well as evaluate clients….Hahahaha….if I had any. (sad smiley face) <— To show depression of no clients

So, approximately 300 words ago (that’s what WordPress tells me), I attempted to tell you about a 2-day split that accomplishes an amazing feat: fat loss, maintain current strength, correct posture deficiencies, and, dare I say, gain some mass.

Ho-lee ball sack!! How is that possible on just two days per week?? I will tell you exactly how: I’m lying to you!! Haha. What a cocktease I am, huh? (In retrospect, that may not have been the most choice of words to use.)

Need I say more?

(P.S. Some may find that picture offensive and/or wrong. I can assure you my other idea was much much worse.)

Alright, so why did I lie to you? I didn’t really lie, I just kind of omitted some facts. The two days come into play in the fact that I am only going to be going to the gym two days per week. However, I will be working out 6 or 7 days in total. I will be doing HFT, erm, High Frequency Training, on the days that I’m not in the gym. HFT will provide the volume needed for muscle growth while not damaging my CNS (central nervous system) and recovery ability, the gym days will provide the intensity needed for strength maintenance (gain maybe?) and posture correction, and then the last part of the equation (fat loss) is cardio.

My cardio is going to conisit of 30-35 min. of low intensity cardio (walking on a treadmill at its highest incline) on the days I’m in the gym and one or two high intensity workouts throughout the week. The high intensity stuff will consist of hill sprints, sandbag complexes, and/or mountain biking.

Why only two days in the gym? Well, if you remember correctly from “My “Go-Forward” Plan“, I need to get my ass in gear and start studying for my certification. I mean, I know I know what I’m talking about and hopefully you guys (and chics) have realized I know what I’m talking about, but how do I go up to Joe Schmoe and be all up in his grill like, “Yo, Holmes. I wanna train you, dawg. I don’t have anything to prove to you that I know what I’m talking aboot, but I pinky-swear-promise that I do.” (That was my Canadian gangsta lingo.) I mean, hopefully my wonderfully charming personality could persuade him or her (yes, I would call a “her” Holmes and dawg as well), but I’m willing to bet most people aren’t going to pay someone without letters behind their name. Also, it’s the fall season. My absolute favorite time of year. There’s so much going on, I love the weather, and I need to make up for my lack of activity this summer. As much as I love working out and training, I need to get outside and maybe try be a “normal” person in this here society.

So, that’s why I chose 2 days. And like I said somewhere in the beginning, here’s my spreadsheet, all professional and edumakated sounding like. Just click the link and download for your visual (and learning) enjoyment. P.S. There are several tabs in the spreadsheet so don’t just get stuck at the first one.

Get yoked in just 2 days per week! (Tongue sticking out smiley face thingy) <— For added Lulz

Ok, now that you’ve looked at it (or at least downloaded it), leave me a comment and let me know if you think I’m nuts or if you think it’ll work or if you’ve done it before or if you’re really only here because I’ve guilted you to be. Either way, what’s on your mind? How you feelin? Anything I can do for you? Want me to make you a sammich? Leave me a comment. (Regular smiley face emoticon) <— For cuteness (for the ladies of course)

Don’t Miss Your Chance

I was stuck in Corporate America for 9 years. I was miserable.

Then I took control.

You can too, and it starts right here.