This post is going to be continually updated as I see things in the gym that piss me off. Sure, I could list a bunch of them right off the top of my head, but that wouldn’t be as funny. If I don’t see it, I won’t be as impassioned, and it won’t be nearly as good.
The other good thing about this is I, “Mr. Know-it-all”, am guilty of some of these things from time to time. I will make sure to point these out. Why? Couple reasons. Mostly to show you guys that I can be a douchebag too….as if you didn’t know that….and so that you don’t feel bad if I just so happen to call you out in one of them! Just kiddin’. I won’t name any names, but I know that some of them will be inspired by my real life friends. So, if you ever lift with me, you have been warned. You better be on your A-game or your douchiness may just end up on here!
- Leave your ego at the door!
- What in theee hell are you doing?!?
This is the one that I am guilty of….ALL THE TIME! I design my own programs. I write down every set, rep, and weight that I do. I make notes as to how I did that session, i.e. stay at the same weight, go up 5lb., 10lb., whatever. I write it down so that the next time I do that same lift, I know what I should be capable of. However, some times my ego gets in the way. Perfect example was tonight.
Last week I wrote down to only go up 5-10lb. on my last set of deadlifts depending on how the previous set felt. Well, the previous set didn’t really feel all that strong. I should have either stayed the same as the previous week or only gone up the 5lb. that I wrote down. What did I do? I gave my back and the loaded weight bar a big “FUCK YOU!” I loaded that sumbitch up with 20lbs. more than the previous week. I was all jacked up on Hot-Rox, had my headphones blaring to some sweet tunes, and there were noobs in the gym that I could show off to. I said, “ta hell with you program, common sense, and everything I’ve learned about strength training, I’m doin’ this shit!” So, I approach the bar, heart rate cruisin’ probably around 140’ish bpm, and tried pulling. First, my lower back rounded. Uh oh, not good. Should have stopped immediately right there. Did I? Nope! I thought I might be able to muscle through it and pull my lumbar spine in once I got the weight moving. Did I? Nope! Pretty sure I only got the weights about 2 maybe 3 inches off the ground. I knew it wasn’t happenin’, and I crashed the weights to the ground. I was light headed at first and had to wait for my vision to come back completely, but I’m pretty sure one of the noobs was laughing at me. He had the right to, but I almost went off on him. He was laughing for the wrong reasons.
So, leave your ego at the door; follow your program; listen to your body; and when dealing with weights greater than or equal to 85% of your 1RM, lift on the side of caution. You don’t need to lift at 100% of your 1RM every week to continue to make strength gains. In fact, failing mid-rep like me actually did more harm than good. What a douche.
Ho-kai, so, there’s these regulars that come in and I, for the life of me, CANNOT figure out what they think they’re accomplishing.
First up is a guy I call “helicopter arms”. He walks in (confidently as if he’s going to set some kind of world record cuz he’s the shit like that), stands in front of the mirror with legs a little wider than shoulder width (stiffer than a wedding pecker), and bends slightly at the waist. Once his impeccable form is set, he starts circling his arms like he’s going to propel himself somewhere. Where? I don’t know, but he gets them things goin. He keeps that up with badger like ferocity for a good 10-15 sec. After that, he goes over to the hanging ab station, does about 10 hip twists, not real sure what else to call them, and calls it a day. Walks out with his head high and just as confident as the only cock in the hen house. I usually stand and watch the whole things and go, “huh?”
Next up is “everything I do, I turn into a compound movement and use my momentum to lift the weight ” guy. It doesn’t matter if he’s using free-weights or machines. Isolation benches or cables. This guy puts everything into it. Standing shoulder press turns into push press (a legit lift, but I know that’s not what he’s trying to do), standing skull crushers turn into…standing push skull crushers?? I don’t know. Then there’s the supposed tricep kickbacks. Most people do them by putting a knee and hand down on a flat bench to brace themselves and then perform the kickback with their other arm. This guy? He grabs a dime in each hand (that’s a 10lb. plate) and starts reenacting Soulja Boy’s “Superman” move. No lie. Except he’s got so much momentum, I’m not real sure as to what muscle he’s working.
Ooo, ooo, last one. He’s got many more, but this one is gooooood. He’s halfway through his workout and hasn’t had a belt on the entire time (which is preferred anyways), but then he goes and grabs one. I’m thinking to myself, “oh man, what in the hell is he going to try and do to himself??” I was going to stop him if he stepped foot into the squat rack before he got hurt. But does he go to the squat rack? Pffffft. No! He goes to the EZ bar preacher curl station! Ha ha ha ha. W.T.F.?? Well, turns out, an isolated bicep curl is ALSO a compound movement. It incorporates rear delts, traps, and hamstrings. What you do is stand up slightly to grab the bar off the rack. Then you start to perform the curl while simultaneously rolling your shoulders backwards and pulling yourself back down to the seat. Then lower the weight and begin to stand up again. Repeat this 10 times with a very determined look on your face and heavy breathing. Once you’re done, add more weight and exaggerate everything 2 fold on the consequent sets. This guy is genius. Pure, unadulterated, genius.
So, even if you don’t have a freaking clue as to how you should be lifting, at least perform the lifts with proper form and in the way the Iron Gods intended. Don’t look like these two douches.
Don’t Miss Your Chance
I was stuck in Corporate America for 9 years. I was miserable.
Then I took control.
You can too, and it starts right here.
Pure genius writing! It’s so true! I swear I’ve seen these guys at my gym.
You must have some of the guys I always liked to call the “Chicken Leg Gang” These are the guys who always wear pants while lifting because their thighs are about half the size of my forearms. The words squats, dead lift, leg curls, etc mean nothing to them and they can bench around 550lbs. I could never figure out how they even stood upright, as their upper bodies were about a 10 to 1 ratio to their lower half. I mean I understand the whole “curls for girls” workout routine, but what knid of tool looks in a mirror flexes their massive 20″ arms and sees their toothpick thighs and says “Yeah, I look awesome!” Sorry for the rant, those guys just always bugged the hell out of me…
I used to be critical like this myself, but ive grown compassionate as some really dont know what theyre doing and might even appreciate some help. Better yet, I focus my breaks into focusing on the next lift so my mind isnt preoccupied by “douchebaggery” I know what you mean and enjoyed your blog though.
Thanks for stopping by! They live in EVERY gym. ha ha.
Hey! Don’t steal my thunder! j/k. “Those guys” will most definitely end up on here eventually, but since I’m the 3rd “biggest” guy at the gym (I workout at work), I don’t see them.
I agree and I help n00bs out all the time if they look like they want it but are too afraid to ask. Obv one of my goals is to become a PT so I want to help as many people as possible. However, the 2nd guy in #2 has turned down my suggestions because “he’s been lifting longer than me” and his “bigger” (in mass, not strength). So, d-bags like him, end up in here!
Let’s keep ’em comin peeps!
I am impressed your gym doesn’t have any of the “chronic walkers.” The people who walk for 60-90 minutes on a treadmill. These people fascinate me for many reasons, the biggest of which is the fact that they are paying to do that when they could just as easily walk outside.
I’ve got a guy at my gym who’s described to a T with the “everything I do, I turn into a compound movement and use my momentum to lift the weight ” guy, except that he’s always also the loudest motherfucker in the gym. He SCREAMS when he lifts the dumbbells off of the rack. I want to say something to him about how the contortions are going to really fuck up his back (when he’s doing lateral raises), but I also think him hurting himself would be the only way to shut him the fuck up.
…and on top of all that let’s not forget that these FUCKERS are catching all the spots / machines / benches available at the gym that WE want and need to use (properly)!! SCREW those gym owners who accept just about any1, only care about short term profits/revenues…these managements SMART ASS should at least spend some time/effort/resources in edcating these MOTHER FUCKERS so they won’t interrupt us!!! I’M PISSED!!
Bring it on, dude!
…can’t believe I just wrote that…maybe the Dark Rage is actually working as advertised LOL…please don’t take me literally…Peace 🙂
Well, I workout at work. It’s free. I’ve seen those kinds before.
Ahhh, “The screamer”. Nice. Won’t see that at my gym either. I also never “wish” injury on anyone, but I get the point you’re trying to make.
Don’t sugarcoat it. How do you really feel? Ha ha. If any of you reading this are on Twitter, I highly suggest you follow Avi (http://www.twitter.com/a_gain_mm).
Leaving your ego at the door is HUGE for progress, yet rarely done.
Nice to lift with ya the other day.
Mike T Nelson PhD(c)
Hahahhaha! This was FUNNY shit to read! MAN, these duckfarts are at every gym in the world. Crazy SOB’s they are! But really, I’d like to kick some of these bastards in the balls….and vag as well. HA!
Keep up the great writing & honesty Dave.
As usually, I’m laughing my ass off. I still lift in my basement, but I’m sure if I ever start back to a gym, I’ll see some douchebags and probably be a douchebag once in a while.
Keep up the great work!
Trust me, the pleasure was all mine.
Glad you enjoyed it. I’m sure there will be plenty more we can all relate to!
The biggest trick is to avoid being a douche yourself…just like me sometimes. Ha!
OMG dude you hit the ball outta the park.. the loud as hell compound movement guy you think’s about to hyperventilate.. I’m like damn guy can’t breathe!! get that sumbitch a bag or something..
I’m with you on the occasional over load thou… Do it myself bro… more so before starting a jounal..
What about the guy on the stepper, who starts the air drums every time a good song comes on his iPod.
Ok, OK, that’s me and I usually stop when I remember I’m at the gym.
These guys usually frequent what I refer to as “Globogyms.”
Can you tell I found this page from Nate’s blog?
Oh man… How relatable these stories sound of my Gym. I have this friend. He started working out for maybe 2 weeks at most on a fairly normal routine, he goes up to me and says he cant fit in his shirts anymore. I almost punched myself in the face.
Oh and another thing
While having a knowledgeable spotter telling him how to actually perform an exercise, he’ll refuse to do so until he completes his set of half-ass Siamese side lateral frog quacks, which in reality, only workouts the floor beneath him. If that made up workout was done with good form it would at least benefit a creature’s anatomy from the planet Zog, but those are even done wrong. go figure
Simon, thanks for popping in. It sounds like you need to spend some more time in the gym with your bro-dude friend so you don’t have to punch yourself. Hahaha. Very funny stuff!