This post is going to be continually updated as I see things in the gym that piss me off. Sure, I could list a bunch of them right off the top of my head, but that wouldn’t be as funny. If I don’t see it, I won’t be as impassioned, and it won’t be nearly as good.

The other good thing about this is I, “Mr. Know-it-all”, am guilty of some of these things from time to time. I will make sure to point these out. Why? Couple reasons. Mostly to show you guys that I can be a douchebag too….as if you didn’t know that….and so that you don’t feel bad if I just so happen to call you out in one of them! Just kiddin’. I won’t name any names, but I know that some of them will be inspired by my real life friends. So, if you ever lift with me, you have been warned. You better be on your A-game or your douchiness may just end up on here!

  1. Leave your ego at the door!
  2. This is the one that I am guilty of….ALL THE TIME! I design my own programs. I write down every set, rep, and weight that I do. I make notes as to how I did that session, i.e. stay at the same weight, go up 5lb., 10lb., whatever. I write it down so that the next time I do that same lift, I know what I should be capable of. However, some times my ego gets in the way. Perfect example was tonight.

    Last week I wrote down to only go up 5-10lb. on my last set of deadlifts depending on how the previous set felt. Well, the previous set didn’t really feel all that strong. I should have either stayed the same as the previous week or only gone up the 5lb. that I wrote down. What did I do? I gave my back and the loaded weight bar a big “FUCK YOU!” I loaded that sumbitch up with 20lbs. more than the previous week. I was all jacked up on Hot-Rox, had my headphones blaring to some sweet tunes, and there were noobs in the gym that I could show off to. I said, “ta hell with you program, common sense, and everything I’ve learned about strength training, I’m doin’ this shit!” So, I approach the bar, heart rate cruisin’ probably around 140’ish bpm, and tried pulling. First, my lower back rounded. Uh oh, not good. Should have stopped immediately right there. Did I? Nope! I thought I might be able to muscle through it and pull my lumbar spine in once I got the weight moving. Did I? Nope! Pretty sure I only got the weights about 2 maybe 3 inches off the ground. I knew it wasn’t happenin’, and I crashed the weights to the ground. I was light headed at first and had to wait for my vision to come back completely, but I’m pretty sure one of the noobs was laughing at me. He had the right to, but I almost went off on him. He was laughing for the wrong reasons.

    So, leave your ego at the door; follow your program; listen to your body; and when dealing with weights greater than or equal to 85% of your 1RM, lift on the side of caution. You don’t need to lift at 100% of your 1RM every week to continue to make strength gains. In fact, failing mid-rep like me actually did more harm than good. What a douche.


  3. What in theee hell are you doing?!?
  4. Ho-kai, so, there’s these regulars that come in and I, for the life of me, CANNOT figure out what they think they’re accomplishing.

    First up is a guy I call “helicopter arms”. He walks in (confidently as if he’s going to set some kind of world record cuz he’s the shit like that), stands in front of the mirror with legs a little wider than shoulder width (stiffer than a wedding pecker), and bends slightly at the waist. Once his impeccable form is set, he starts circling his arms like he’s going to propel himself somewhere. Where? I don’t know, but he gets them things goin. He keeps that up with badger like ferocity for a good 10-15 sec. After that, he goes over to the hanging ab station, does about 10 hip twists, not real sure what else to call them, and calls it a day. Walks out with his head high and just as confident as the only cock in the hen house. I usually stand and watch the whole things and go, “huh?”

    Next up is “everything I do, I turn into a compound movement and use my momentum to lift the weight ” guy. It doesn’t matter if he’s using free-weights or machines. Isolation benches or cables. This guy puts everything into it. Standing shoulder press turns into push press (a legit lift, but I know that’s not what he’s trying to do), standing skull crushers turn into…standing push skull crushers?? I don’t know. Then there’s the supposed tricep kickbacks. Most people do them by putting a knee and hand down on a flat bench to brace themselves and then perform the kickback with their other arm. This guy? He grabs a dime in each hand (that’s a 10lb. plate) and starts reenacting Soulja Boy’s “Superman” move. No lie. Except he’s got so much momentum, I’m not real sure as to what muscle he’s working.

    Ooo, ooo, last one. He’s got many more, but this one is gooooood. He’s halfway through his workout and hasn’t had a belt on the entire time (which is preferred anyways), but then he goes and grabs one. I’m thinking to myself, “oh man, what in the hell is he going to try and do to himself??” I was going to stop him if he stepped foot into the squat rack before he got hurt. But does he go to the squat rack? Pffffft. No! He goes to the EZ bar preacher curl station! Ha ha ha ha. W.T.F.?? Well, turns out, an isolated bicep curl is ALSO a compound movement. It incorporates rear delts, traps, and hamstrings. What you do is stand up slightly to grab the bar off the rack. Then you start to perform the curl while simultaneously rolling your shoulders backwards and pulling yourself back down to the seat. Then lower the weight and begin to stand up again. Repeat this 10 times with a very determined look on your face and heavy breathing. Once you’re done, add more weight and exaggerate everything 2 fold on the consequent sets. This guy is genius. Pure, unadulterated, genius.

    So, even if you don’t have a freaking clue as to how you should be lifting, at least perform the lifts with proper form and in the way the Iron Gods intended. Don’t look like these two douches.

Don’t Miss Your Chance

I was stuck in Corporate America for 9 years. I was miserable.

Then I took control.

You can too, and it starts right here.