WARNING TO GUYS: Lots of half-naked doods in this post. FTL.

Ok. I’ve been meaning to write something like this for some time now. I don’t know what specifically made me do it, but I am all fired up and ready to lose a couple of female friends over this. Most of you are NOT going to like what you’re about to read. The truth hurts some times. Suck it up!

Ladies, you’re working out completely wrong.

And, just so that you don’t think I’m a TOTAL meany (that is, if you don’t already) I will toss in a few pics of half-naked men…..against my better judgement. Here. Here’s one to start you off in a good mood.

Now, shall we get started?

One of the things I hate the most is when my chick friends ask for advice. Why? Because no matter what I tell them, they’re not going to do it anyways. It’s like, somewhere back in time, about a-bajillion years ago, they were programmed to think that the only way to lose weight is by eating one piece of lettuce a day, and then spend countless hours on the treadmill. Really?? How’s that workin out for ya? You’ve been doing it for, ohhh…say…..3 years now. Have you noticed any major changes?

Every time, the convo goes like this:

Hey, Dave.
– Hey, how ya been?
Pretty good. Hey, I’ve got a question for ya.
– Yup.
I’ve been trying to “tone up” [when I hear this, thoughts of suicide by rusty spoon enter my brain], and I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions.
– Sure.
Cool, well, I don’t want to lift weights because then I’ll get big and muscley. I really like the treadmill and elliptical machine though.
– *Silence* [still daydreaming of suicide, only this time, a midget enters the scenario too. Don’t ask.]
So, do you think you could help?
– Oh. Yeah. Sure. [I’d love nothing more than to waste my time on advice you’re not going to listen to.]

And then I go into details about how she needs to lift weights and do high intensity cardio. Hell, I even give nutritional advice. But of course, no one wants to hear that. Dieting’s “too hard”.

Hey! Look what I found!!!

Now, please let me explain something to you. You NEED to understand this.

You are a woman….I think….mostly….right? You simply DO NOT produce enough testosterone to “get big” naturally. Hell, even *IF* you did, do you know how hard you would have to work to “get big”? Look at me for Christ’s sake! I’ve been lifting weights, in some capacity, since 7th grade. I bench more than some, squat more than a lot, and deadlift more than most. It has taken me, oh, I don’t even know, something like, 13 YEARS to get this way. And on top of that, I am STILL not “big”. What in theee hell do you think you’re going to be doing for 8 to 16 weeks that’s magically going to make you look like a female bodybuilder? Please, tell me. I’m waiting…..

Phew! That was my biggest rant.. The rest of this shouldn’t be as blunt. Looky!!

The next thing you need to learn is the usage of the word “tone”. I believe that “tone” should only be used in the context of sound. For example(s):

Lady Gaga is tone deaf.
I don’t like the tone of your voice.
Hey, hey, hey! Let’s tone it down a bit, mmmmkay?

It does NOT have anything to do with muscles. I’m assuming, that when you say you “just wanna tone up a bit” that you mean you’d like to be able to see your existing muscles. I’ve got news for ya. The only way you’re going to be able to see your muscles is if you lose the fat that’s covering them up. That’s really all that “toning up” is. So, if you wanna tone up, drop a pound or two….or whatever is required to make you happy.

Which brings me to the next point: Cardio.

As I said in the opener, get off the treadmill and elliptical!

Sure, they’re fine once or twice a week (or if you’re a long distance runner), but as far as fatloss goes, you should be focusing on high intensity type stuff. That means sprints, complexes, and intervals. Whatever you pick, you need to go ballz out (figuratively of course) for a minute or three (depending on what you’re doing), rest for a minute, and then do it all over again until you’re lying on the floor begging for death after 20 min. Here is one example of a chick doing some high intensity cardio. Please note: she is not on the treadmill, she is using a lot of weight (relatively speaking), she is not “big”, and she’s bustin her ass. Again, this is just one example of high intensity cardio.

Last but not least, I need to revisit my angry rant from above. In order to “tone” your muscles, you must also lift weights. I’m not talking about the 5lb. dumbbells either. I mean, you need to pick weights that kick your ass. Weights big enough that you can only do them 3 or 4 times. Basically, and I don’t mean to say it like this because I know there are women out there that know this, but you need to “lift like a guy”. That means, again, heavy weights, squats, bench press, deadlift, shoulder press, etc.

You also need to get off the machines. Machines have their time and place, but when you’re going for mass, strength, and focusing on compound movements, you should be hitting up the freeweights. I know, you’re embarrassed to lift with all the meatheads right? Too bad. Suck it up.

Here, I’ll be nice. One more pic for you:

Now, I realize I didn’t give you any specifics, but that’s for the same reason I originally state: I still don’t think any of you are going to listen to me. But, in the off chance one of you DOES finally get this to click, you know I am MORE than willing to help. There are more than a half-a-dozen ways for you to get in touch with me.

Finally, I will leave you with another example of women bustin their ass, getting strong, “lifting like guys”, and are NOT big. If this isn’t motivation for you, this is a lost cause. Enjoy your mediocre results and COUNTLESS hours on a treadmill.

In closing, here are the key points you need to take away from this anger-filled rant (in case the humor and half nekkid men have distracted you along the way):

  • Stop eating like someone with anorexia, and clean up your diet.
  • Get off the treadmill and start doing some form of high intensity cardio.
  • Lift weights. Big weights. Frequently.

And ladies, please try to remember BEFORE you go all Lorena Bobbit on me, I’m only doing this because I care. I want to see you succeed. I want to see you have the body you’ve been working on. I want you to have the body that you want. But if you keep doing what you’re doing and not seeing results, it’s obviously time to change something up.

Einstein (some guy much smarter than me) said that the definition of insanity (paraphrased) is doing something over and over and over again and expecting different results. Sound like your current program??

With love,

Don’t Miss Your Chance

I was stuck in Corporate America for 9 years. I was miserable.

Then I took control.

You can too, and it starts right here.