WARNING TO GUYS: Lots of half-naked doods in this post. FTL.
Ok. I’ve been meaning to write something like this for some time now. I don’t know what specifically made me do it, but I am all fired up and ready to lose a couple of female friends over this. Most of you are NOT going to like what you’re about to read. The truth hurts some times. Suck it up!
Ladies, you’re working out completely wrong.
And, just so that you don’t think I’m a TOTAL meany (that is, if you don’t already) I will toss in a few pics of half-naked men…..against my better judgement. Here. Here’s one to start you off in a good mood.
Now, shall we get started?
One of the things I hate the most is when my chick friends ask for advice. Why? Because no matter what I tell them, they’re not going to do it anyways. It’s like, somewhere back in time, about a-bajillion years ago, they were programmed to think that the only way to lose weight is by eating one piece of lettuce a day, and then spend countless hours on the treadmill. Really?? How’s that workin out for ya? You’ve been doing it for, ohhh…say…..3 years now. Have you noticed any major changes?
Every time, the convo goes like this:
– Hey, how ya been?
Pretty good. Hey, I’ve got a question for ya.
I’ve been trying to “tone up” [when I hear this, thoughts of suicide by rusty spoon enter my brain], and I was wondering if you could give me some suggestions.
Cool, well, I don’t want to lift weights because then I’ll get big and muscley. I really like the treadmill and elliptical machine though.
– *Silence* [still daydreaming of suicide, only this time, a midget enters the scenario too. Don’t ask.]
So, do you think you could help?
– Oh. Yeah. Sure. [I’d love nothing more than to waste my time on advice you’re not going to listen to.]
And then I go into details about how she needs to lift weights and do high intensity cardio. Hell, I even give nutritional advice. But of course, no one wants to hear that. Dieting’s “too hard”.
Hey! Look what I found!!!
Now, please let me explain something to you. You NEED to understand this.
You are a woman….I think….mostly….right? You simply DO NOT produce enough testosterone to “get big” naturally. Hell, even *IF* you did, do you know how hard you would have to work to “get big”? Look at me for Christ’s sake! I’ve been lifting weights, in some capacity, since 7th grade. I bench more than some, squat more than a lot, and deadlift more than most. It has taken me, oh, I don’t even know, something like, 13 YEARS to get this way. And on top of that, I am STILL not “big”. What in theee hell do you think you’re going to be doing for 8 to 16 weeks that’s magically going to make you look like a female bodybuilder? Please, tell me. I’m waiting…..
Phew! That was my biggest rant.. The rest of this shouldn’t be as blunt. Looky!!
The next thing you need to learn is the usage of the word “tone”. I believe that “tone” should only be used in the context of sound. For example(s):
Lady Gaga is tone deaf.
I don’t like the tone of your voice.
Hey, hey, hey! Let’s tone it down a bit, mmmmkay?
It does NOT have anything to do with muscles. I’m assuming, that when you say you “just wanna tone up a bit” that you mean you’d like to be able to see your existing muscles. I’ve got news for ya. The only way you’re going to be able to see your muscles is if you lose the fat that’s covering them up. That’s really all that “toning up” is. So, if you wanna tone up, drop a pound or two….or whatever is required to make you happy.
Which brings me to the next point: Cardio.
As I said in the opener, get off the treadmill and elliptical!
Sure, they’re fine once or twice a week (or if you’re a long distance runner), but as far as fatloss goes, you should be focusing on high intensity type stuff. That means sprints, complexes, and intervals. Whatever you pick, you need to go ballz out (figuratively of course) for a minute or three (depending on what you’re doing), rest for a minute, and then do it all over again until you’re lying on the floor begging for death after 20 min. Here is one example of a chick doing some high intensity cardio. Please note: she is not on the treadmill, she is using a lot of weight (relatively speaking), she is not “big”, and she’s bustin her ass. Again, this is just one example of high intensity cardio.
You also need to get off the machines. Machines have their time and place, but when you’re going for mass, strength, and focusing on compound movements, you should be hitting up the freeweights. I know, you’re embarrassed to lift with all the meatheads right? Too bad. Suck it up.
Here, I’ll be nice. One more pic for you:
Now, I realize I didn’t give you any specifics, but that’s for the same reason I originally state: I still don’t think any of you are going to listen to me. But, in the off chance one of you DOES finally get this to click, you know I am MORE than willing to help. There are more than a half-a-dozen ways for you to get in touch with me.
Finally, I will leave you with another example of women bustin their ass, getting strong, “lifting like guys”, and are NOT big. If this isn’t motivation for you, this is a lost cause. Enjoy your mediocre results and COUNTLESS hours on a treadmill.
In closing, here are the key points you need to take away from this anger-filled rant (in case the humor and half nekkid men have distracted you along the way):
- Stop eating like someone with anorexia, and clean up your diet.
- Get off the treadmill and start doing some form of high intensity cardio.
- Lift weights. Big weights. Frequently.
Einstein (some guy much smarter than me) said that the definition of insanity (paraphrased) is doing something over and over and over again and expecting different results. Sound like your current program??
Don’t Miss Your Chance
I was stuck in Corporate America for 9 years. I was miserable.
Then I took control.
You can too, and it starts right here.
Yay for sexy girls lifting weights!! 😉
And maybe we need another post for the guys informing them that we can lift weights and not be “masculine.” Oh, and that they shouldn’t be shocked and give us nasty looks when we lift more than them!
Good information as usual. I would like some more information from you on some of the different workouts I could use to actually work out effectively. I have noticed that the treadmill doesn’t do much for actual results. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I haven’t been on here awhile but I got all caught up with the posts tonight. Interesting information as usual. Keep up the good work.
While this advice is solid for most people, the “tone” of it may scare some. Men and women who arent enlightened with fitness are only repeating what they heard their friends and family or read in magazines.
Most media tells women (and men) how to exercise and how to eat. These people are actually crying for help and look to the path of least resistance. You must save them. So they can spread truth instead of bs.
Most people that say “I don’t wanna get big” are uneducated as to what it takes. Because someone on TV or in redbook said lifting anything makes you a burly man regardless if its 500lb rack pull or carrying your own groceries.
I like your stuff. Keep it up, but try to remember people need help and thats what this blog is for.
Someone please tell me why I’m still awake?! Well, I guess I might as well do some work here…
I have never seen a guy give a chic an odd stare if she’s actually in there workin her ass off. The stares probably come in from envy….or jealousy.
Maybe I’ll put something together for everyone to see. But in the meantime, I’ve posted quite a few vids and some training stuff since you last stopped by. Check ’em out!
It’s very unfortunate I don’t know who you are. That is probably the most insightful comment I have gotten to this date. So, thank you for that, and thanks for liking my stuff. Now, get out there and give me some free advertisement. lol, j/k. As for the comment…
I agree 100% with everything you said. It was written this tone intentionally. I realize some people don’t know any better, but the bitterness and anger comes from the people that ask for help and then tell me I’m wrong. It happens more often than the other way around.
So, anyways, I hope you stick around. I also hope that I figure out who you are someday. Time to put my e-stalking hat on. Ha!
I haven’t read one of these in awhile… but the title caught me and the pics kept me reading.
In any case – I’m a typical female who has spent a lot of time on the treadmill. So, I was excited till about half way through the article to learn something more about a more effective method.
That lasted till the end, where all I got out of it, was “lift heavy weights like guys do”. Ok, that might be a place to start, but I feel like this article is missing the “meat”. What specifically? When I walk into a gym, my problem is not that I feel silly if someone is watching me, but I don’t know what lifting I would do that would really give me the results I want to see.
In short – this article is amusing, and a great start. I just want to know what I should actually do once the ranting is over.
I’m a very lucky dudette, in that my fiance long ago helped educate me on the usefulness (and let’s be honest, the FUN) that is training properly. I lift freeweights. I use kettlebells. I (grudgingly) do bodyweight matrixes. And all of these things have changed my shape, size, body composition and fitness levels about a billion times more than all the years of classes and treadmills I did before that.
For any women that want a bit of the action, may I humbly suggest a book called “The New Rules of Lifting for Women”, by Lou Schuler, Alwyn Cosgrove and Cassandra Forsythe. It’s a great place to start, and it even has a few months worth of workouts built in. But it is just a start – in fitness, as soon as you stop learning and looking for something new you might as well just stop completely – which is why websites like this one are awesome 🙂
Hey, looks who’s awake just 6 short hours later. Blah.
I had to go back and re-read, but you are very correct. I never did summarize it and say, “Thanks for reading, now do this:…” So, I’m going to update the post. As for the “meat” that you’re looking for, I addressed that in the paragraph above the final video.
Great comment and very informational! Is this your first comment here? Regardless, hope you stick around!
Yep, first comment here – but we have exchanged words on twitter before now. I’ve read a few bits and pieces on the site but I agree so strongly with this article I just had to say something 😉
Dave has addressed your points already, but if weight training interests you and you want to read more, then do check out the book I recommended above. Alwyn Cosgrove is a legend 😉
Here is my feedback I promised you awhile ago…
Great post. Definitely gave me something to laugh about this early in the morning. Mind you, if I did not know any better, my first reaction would be to NEVER ask you for advice…
I think I know a little bit about fitness, still an amateur though; I am always looking and reading about new ways to improve something and the title definitely caught my eye. Don’t knock the treadmill so much; if you know how to use it effectively and correctly, then it works. For me building muscle comes way easier than losing fat so intense cardio is a must. It’s almost as if I am always playing catch up with my muscles. Running/walking on a zero incline everyday as your only form of cardio falls into that definition of insanity, literally. Interval training is where it’s at, burning up calories and the lack of boredom. Good rant but you still did not help out those that pushed you to this post… where’s the motivation Dave?!?
Dave this post frigging ROCKS!!
Being a female that does lift heavy and that loves complexes and sprint intervals I can attest to the other women out there that this way of workin out truly yields results!! You feel spent (like you got a good workout) you burn more calories post workout (EPOC) than the long cardio stuff and get big confidence boost after realizing that you can actually lift the heavy weights! After sticking with this type of workout consistently along with simple yet clean eating (fruits,veggies, good fats, lean meats/protein with scheduled cheat meals/treats) you will feel and look the way you desire just listen to Dave’s great yet angry 😉 advice and you’ll be good to go and try some db squat & presses for 30s hard on 30 sec off for 15mins and feel the intensity. Dave you got me pumped off this post (no mercy for my studio gals) 😉
You rock!!! Love the post & thanks for telling it like it is. I can’t tell you how many clients that I’ve had who said they’d never lift weights b/c they’d get huge. Then I show them that I (5′ nothing; 100 lbs soaking wet w/what I consider great muscle def, but not “huge”) can bench more than my own weight. After tons of preaching about how I’ve been lifting heavy for years & still have not gotten huge (though I’d love to be)- they understand that lifting weights will NOT make them “bulky”. Once they start lifting, eating MORE and working out smarter NOT harder they FINALLY see results. Seriously – I’m a girl & I know that we are the SMARTEST creatures on the planet, but good God – we can be stubborn sometimes.
Great article! While I love that on most days I’m the only chick on the free-weights side of the gym (for selfish reasons only! 😉 ), I think more women would be over there and feel less intimidated if they could keep reading articles like yours urging them to just do it. I think they feel a lot of the time that men don’t know much about “women’s fitness,” but you’re dead on. Keep it up!
Really enjoyed this post…laughed my ass off. I agree 100%. Cardio is best suited for improving aerobic ability – period. I rarely do it simply because of time constraints and my aerobic ability sucks, but the weight still drops off me due to busting ass with the weights at the gym. In terms of diet…sticking with non-processed whole foods…I get to eat like a champ!
I LOVE YOU! Once again, thank God there are people out there who think the same way I do. You aren’t afraid to speak your mind…not only that, you’re presenting info that is legit. You’re not just speakin’ to hear yourself speak! Women need to train hard…they don’t need pansy-ass pink dumbbells and isolation movements. They don’t need Jane Fonda workouts and ladies-only gyms. They need solid info on training and nutrition, and yes, we put it out there…you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Those who are doing nothing but perpetuating the fears and misconceptions of women by promoting crappy “women shouldn’t train like men” programs need to be shot. Keep fighting the good fight and know we’re “converting” minds slowly but surely! My mission is to improve the world, one pair of glutes at a time! LOL!
Yours in Health,
PS – good luck this weekend!
Kanye wouldn’t have said it better..u really have a way of uplifting, energizing any reader, b it male or female & make sh**t happen 🙂 Clearly, there’s a REAL passion behind all the half naked dudes..(where r the fully naked girl?? LOL) I hope u’ll get plenty of (cute & sexy) new FEMALE admirers now!!
I’m not gonna lie. The response to this is AWESOME!! Thannks everyone! Alright, let’s get to it!
@GA Peach (great name btw)
Why would you never ask me for help? (If you didn’t know any better) I didn’t knock the treadmill completely; I said it’s ok once or twice a week. In fact, I walk on it twice a week too. The point was to NOT make the treadmill the focus of your routine. You must have skimmed over the ending. I summarized exactly what needs to be done, I just did not give specifics. In fact, I mentioned what to do if you were interested in specifics. 😉
Where’s the motivation?? I think you should read these other comments. I think I provided PLENTY!!
Thanks for the comment! I may be hittin you up for some help once I start gettin my study on. Hope you’re ready!
@melissa, Tera, Casey, Renee, and Sarah
Thanks for re-affirming the article!
Another issue I find with women that don’t “get it” is that they don’t like men telling them this information. It’s CRUCIAL that they see other women doing this, and getting results. I can talk (erm, yell) til I’m blue in the face, but they need strong women like yourselves leading the way.
Oh, and Melissa, I don’t know where you get your information, but my hard on always lasts more than 30 sec. :p
Fully nekkin chics, huh. Well, I’m not real concerned about my reputation as a “professional”, however, I don’t think that would go over too well with ANYONE. Hahaha. I’ll see what I can do about more half nekkid chics though. How’s that?
Have a peaceful Rosh Hashanah!
‘Where’s the motivation” was sarcasm at its best.
Oooohhhhhhhhhh. I got ya! There really needs to be a “sarcasm” font for the internet.
Anyways, I was stroking my *ahem* ego this morning by reading these awesome responses and wanted to point a couple of things out…
I’m not sure how I glossed over that whole “SMARTEST creatures…” comment. Let’s just say, I’ll let you get away with it this one time. :p
Please do keep fighting the glute fight. (See what I did there?) I will be messaging you soon about bootcamps!
Lastly, for everyone, I’ve decided to write the follow-up with an example routine. It will probably be a couple weeks though since I will need to film some new vids, and I doubt I’ll be able to move for several days after this weekend.
I found a website for free weight exercises that include videos to show how to do them. I included the link if anyone is interested in the site. Good luck tomorrow.
Thank you for this awesome post….I’ve been busting my tail and trying to get stronger in the gym, by “lifting heavy weights like guys do”. I love squats, deadlifts, bench press, etc…
And like you I hate when my female friends are like, “aren’t you worried about getting bulky or I don’t want to get bulky so I do want to lift heavy weights or use free weights, I like my machines.” I quickly reply, well do you like your results?? Apparently not, since you are asking me for advice!!!
Thanks for posting this, even though I don’t use the foul language, I do understand your frustration and as a female, I’m trying my best to get your message out to my female friends….
I hope you get better soon, and I will make sure to do and extra 225lbs squat for you tomorrow!! 🙂
This is a great post! I spent years running and never understood why I still looked the same. It was only after doing a combination of interval training and weight lifting that I started seeing the “long, lean muscles” women do hours of pilates for. A solid strength builing program like New Rules of Lifting for Women is a great place to start. The training program is designed by Alwyn Cosgrove and focuses on basic exercises, squats, deadlifts, and at the end if the program you should be able to do chin ups. Thanks for the post. I needed a good laugh! 🙂
Shana and Julie…
Thanks for the feedback. I really think women like you need to be more vocal to your friends. Sounds like you’re doing a great job of it though. And, well, if they still don’t agree with you, send over to this post. 😉